Jaquie Brown's Guide to Everything by Jaquie Brown

Author:Jaquie Brown [Jaquie Brown]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781869792671
Publisher: Penguin Random House New Zealand
Published: 2009-01-15T00:00:00+00:00

He tried to make you wear high heels and you said: No! No! NO!

It’s time to move on, girl.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Well, it’s not really. Those are just some words to a song that everyone sings. Who sings that song anyway? A person from ages ago, before I was born probably. Before text messages were invented, when you had to break up using a pigeon. A pigeon with your break-up note written in your tears and blood scrawled onto a piece of tapestry with a twig and tied with a lock of your hair. A pigeon that takes the message in its beak and flies for years with no water and no toilet breaks and no sex and just keeps on flying till it’s delivered the message. By which time, eight years have passed and the guy getting the message has worked out already that you want to break up with him and has moved on and has children with another woman. When the pigeon arrives, exhausted and skinny, the tapestry is all faded and ruined, and he can only make out some of the words and none of it makes sense. It looks like: ‘De jo ss heart no s ye if u.’

So, he killed the pigeon and ate him because that’s what they did back then, they were ruthless and hungry.

Yeah, I guess breaking up IS hard to do if you use a pigeon. These days it’s quicker and easier but you need to be cleverer.

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